A Letter Written to a Past Karmic Friend 📬
This is me... sitting within melancholy... and offering some words from my heart and soul. At some point, while look at my human design, I realised that melancholy and vulnerability is an important part of who I am as a person - and so I embrace my shadow within this video today.
I'm not planning on sending this letter to the past karmic friend that it is written for. There is quite honestly no point. I am doubtful that their heart and mind is open enough to truly hear the words that I speak.
Who knows, perhaps they will stumble upon it one day.
More than anything, this is me leaning into my hurt and pain; and feeling through what I now consider to be beautiful emotions. To write, speak and create helps for me to heal. Perhaps it will support others who have been through a similar journey.
What I have suffered is mostly emotional and mental trauma or abuse. Honestly I don't think those who have abused me recognise it as such. A lot of the the time, the abuse was quite subtle. It spanned over a long period of time.
I sat within a kind of confusion as I looked back over my life; and tried to understand what had happened - how I had reached this place.
Many have shown kindness, but at the same time suggested I was weak; and disallowed my voice in order to maintain some sort of control over me. I have a lot of Aries in my chart and are heading towards a Leo North Node. I should have never been tamed in such a way. I thought that I needed to lose and reject myself to be in certain types of relationships.
Dimming my light, people pleasing and adjusting became a survival tactic. It showed up when people felt the need to control me. It allowed me to blend in like the chameleon to keep people comfortable.
The problem with this kind of abuse is that it slowly and silently wounds the person on the receiving end over and over and over again. This person is then likely to attract more people within their life that slowly and silently wounds them.
Over time, they build up an inner narrative that slowly and silently wounds themselves, through their own thoughts and emotions. People might wonder why they feel so depressed, anxious, angry, pessimistic, or even vulnerable. Their life doesn't seem all that bad on the surface.
I didn't realise, but through allowing these behaviours, I was continually rejecting, abandoning, repressing and invalidating my own autonomy and emotions. It also set me up to rehash in my own mind those things that people had said or done to me over and over again... I thought there was something wrong with me. I continually adjusted and adjusted and adjusted, until such time as I had enough and chose to remove the rose coloured glasses that I once wore.
As an adult, I no longer see myself as the victim, although it may come across that way within my writing and ramblings at times. The thing is, I now seek my own autonomy in everything I do. I either set boundaries. Or I very quickly recognise and release that which the other does that invalidates my autonomy or emotions, whether it be intentional or not. I have realised that I personally have agency over my own actions and emotional state.
I also have agency over my ego... whether that be the good, the bad or the ugly.
A healthy ego leans into assertiveness and empowerment. It's very important to balance out this aspect of ourselves. An unhealthy ego might lean more towards aggressiveness and control... or on the other end of the scale; people pleasing and enabling.
If we are carrying a lifetime of burdens, then we can make the decision to stay right where we are. OR we can choose to pick a new path, where we continually make small adjustments, until such point as we find self-love, inner peace, stability, wholeness and fulfillment.
This content is created by Rachel Reeves, who has always been a deep thinker. She previously played the supporting role in the lives of those around her, and very much held back on sharing this gift fully with other's. This is Rachel stepping very much out of her comfort zone, into what she now knows to be her inner calling, and sharing her thoughts with the world.
This video and article is intended to support self-growth, but the information provided is to be taken as personal opinion only. Feel free to take what resonates, but use your own inner-wisdom and guidance when doing so -- you know yourself much better than anybody else ever will. The information provided is to be in no way regarded as Medical, Legal, or Financial Advice. Please seek professional advice where needed. Thank you.