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Life Sometimes Hurts. Adjusting from CARING to NOT CARING fixes nothing.

Updated: Jan 12, 2022

Adjusting from caring to not caring simply creates new problems, and so brings in new lessons for us to learn!

I don’t think I know one single person who hasn’t been through pain in one form or another.

Some go through it more than others, and some are more sensitive to the pain. I have realised that being an empath is actually a true blessing, as it has helped me to properly heal from situations so much quicker.

At 30 I had what I now realise to be a 2 year long “dark night of the soul” which pushed me towards standing more in my power and encouraged me to live more authentically. But I also numbed myself to some of the pain that I felt life had perhaps unfairly dealt me, as it was simply too much to look at right then and there.

Even my psychologist guided me away from looking at the pain and guided me more towards just living life – which kind of helped as a short-term fix. BUT in the longer-term the pain was still there and kept resurfacing in different ways.

Having said that I wouldn’t change even one thing about how my life has unfolded. I was only ready to learn a lesson at the point that I was ready to learn a lesson.

As I became much more authentic, certain people didn’t seem to fit in my life anymore, and these people gradually fell away.

I know that I have hurt people along the way. Because hurt people hurt people. And it’s impossible to take back words and actions once they have gone out there into the universe. And words and actions shape our future reality.

BUT I am here, and I must keep pushing forwards.

Because what is life if we are not going to do anything with it? What is life if we spend every waking hour worrying about what might be, instead of taking conscious action, in the hope to see what might become?

From within I have always tried to work from good intentions, even when it didn’t seem that way to others – and so I can move forwards holding my head high, knowing that I am a good person at my very core. Even if I had in the past felt that I had been making decisions that were more aligned with bad intentions, it is not helpful to sit stewing in that pot for long lengths of time.

Whatever our situation, we must consciously move forwards with our head held high, knowing that we always have a choice. We continue to be offered new opportunities to reshape our words, thoughts, and actions; and in doing so we have the power to reshape and recreate our life.

To those who I have hurt in any way I am truly sorry. To those who have hurt me, I forgive you. A relationship goes two ways, does it not?

Numbing the pain is simply pushing the pain down and choosing not to look at it.

In my early 30s I was encouraged by society not to care quite so much in general. I was encouraged to push aside the things that people do and say; and focus on the positives. Hmm, although this is semi-good advice – it’s a recipe for disaster when you are simply pushing the pain down, as opposed to actually dealing with it.

Because if we push it down, it’s still there – deep within. And as it resurfaces in different ways, it might be added to. And so our pain becomes compounded, and is likely to become even heavier and more difficult to look at it.

We start to carry this weird mishmash of positive and negative; dark and light – simply because we are unwilling to look at that which needs to be looked at and addressed. In numbing myself to the pain I became negative and sometimes even angry towards certain people or situations. I tried to establish boundaries, but they were very loose boundaries.

Even though I carried these burdens, I still returned to what I now recognise as co-dependency (and people-pleasing) in certain aspects of my life, as I continued to attract both healthy and toxic relationships into my life.

Something I have noticed is that society seems to teach us to simply put up and shut up; or find a way to move on. BUT is suggesting this to a person truly helpful? Wouldn’t it be more helpful to support them and hold space for them along their journey. If we are overly blunt and close minded in our support, and haven’t done the work ourselves – then might we actually cause more struggles in the life of this already struggling person?

But at the same time, it’s important we choose a path and don’t stay stagnant. But perhaps we need to be prepared to listen a little more, instead of trying to always inject our advice into every situation.

The truth is that sometimes there is no good way out of a situation. And so we must just move forward on the path that we feel is right for us. It should be noted here that unless the people involved in a toxic relationship are willing to go within and heal, then they are potentially just going to attract more of the same. Plus it is not always as clear cut as simply removing ourselves from a situation and paving a whole new path.

Society basically gives us those two choices when we find ourselves in a toxic relationship.

But if we don’t have a healthy support network around us, then our logical mind or emotions might choose one over the other – and sometimes that is to ‘put up and shut up’ despite us knowing that the other person is toxic. Other times it might be that we’ve had enough, and so we push through and find a way to move on.

What I find quite interesting is the fact that we are the centre of our own personal situation, and so we end up having to make some sort of choice. And then after the fact, people outside of the situation create chaos by projecting their own biases onto us. “You should have done this” or “Why didn’t you do that?” And so, in this situation which has already become a burden, we perhaps feel judged no matter what path we choose – when all we are looking for is love and acceptance; and to feel heard.

No wonder so many of us have difficulty making decisions.

Perhaps we start to believe there’s something wrong with us, because no matter what we do it seems our decisions aren’t quite right. But could it be that this is simply the aftermath of other people’s unintentional or intentional gaslighting.

We numb ourselves even more from the pain that continues to grow within. But this can’t continue indefinitely. If we choose not to look at the pain, eventually we will get to the point that the burden will become too heavy – and we will have no choice but to look at it. The only way we can put it down is by actually looking at it.

Our choices have the potential to not really be our choices until we ground ourselves and become consciously aware of our choice.

We must be mindful that any advice from others that is taken on board aligns with our true self.

Another person’s advice should never cause us to have to unnecessarily carry a burden, and so we take what is helpful and leave the rest. It doesn’t mean we don’t care it just means we’re doing what’s right for us.

Be wary when it comes to pressure in relationships to “take the moral high ground,” as sometimes this can be code to cover up the fact that a relationship is toxic. Being expected to constantly “turn the other cheek” with a view that we might continue to enable a toxic relationship is simply not okay.

If we stay in a toxic relationship, we must be aware that the other person might never actually see anything wrong with what they are doing. If they are living consciously, they will be willing to hear what you have to say; and be willing to grow and evolve with you.

That person within a co-dependent relationship who chooses to live more in their ego and control always leans towards their way being the better way – for obvious reasons. My thought is they perhaps see life as a competition; and they want to be the winner. But focusing on who is the winner and the loser takes away from the life experience. It is a very unconscious and low-vibrational way to live.

Interestingly some of those from my past might think I am standing too much in my ego at the moment. But the truth is I went from consistently losing, because that was what it required to stay in certain co-dependent relationships – to deciding that enough is enough and I choose me.

Those who end up trying to fit in for the sake of fitting in often have no choice but to accept the fact that their way will perhaps never be the right way, which is simply not true. Sometimes their way is actually the better way; but they will never be properly heard or seen by somebody who is living too much in their ego.

People-pleasing is no more than a survival tactic that helps us deal with toxic people.

It worked for me only until such time as I saw it for what it was and outgrew this way of being. To pull me out of this, the universe sent lesson after lesson after lesson until I received clarity as to the role I was playing in my own story. And once my eyes were open to it, I couldn’t close them again.

Cracks will inevitably form when we continue to try to push down our emotions.

For much of my 30s I tried to push down my emotions, as it seemed that emotions and vulnerability were not accepted in what seemed to be a world ruled by power and control. Of late it seems like we move more and more towards totalitarianism, which is really sad.

Last year and earlier this year, I could no longer even try to hide my emotions.

The universe placed me around people and in situations that have required for me to look at what needed to be looked at. I am truly grateful to the universe for these lessons, as I could have stayed in that place – but instead I have been pushed towards an inner-transformation.

Those cracks that had previously formed gradually broke open. But honestly that was the only way I could feel whole again.

It was at the point I started trying to manifest abundance in my life that the universe sent me these major lessons. The truth is I needed to clear my baggage to be able to manifest what my heart so desired.

And so I have had to push through a huge amount of pain and many triggers, with a conscious awareness of how I have in the past responded to these. Triggers are a gift that provide clarity on what wounds still need healing.

Without emotions, we allow logic to always run the show. Without logic, we allow emotions to always run the show. Are either of these extremes healthy? We must work towards balancing out our head and heart, if we wish for a healthy, balanced, and stable life. The only way we can do this is by being willing to look at what needs to be looked at.

Society encourages us to work more from logic, and less from emotions – and so we may have already mastered one aspect of ourselves.

And so, we must step into our emotions at some point if we want to truly heal.

This can be scary, as we it seems like we are judged at the point that we step into our emotions. But if our desire is to heal, it is a necessary step that must be taken.

I not only needed to release this pain, but I also needed to consciously adjust how I move.

For if I refuse to let go of pain, or continue to change who I am just fit in, it is very obvious that the universe will continue to send me lessons.

And so I focus on consciously achieving a balance between my logical and emotional self, and between the light and the dark aspects of myself.

While it should never be seen as bad to be highly sensitive, as it is what is needed to truly heal – it is so much more helpful in the long-run to aim to become emotionally balanced and aware. Because we can make a much bigger difference in this world if we are working from a place of emotional stability.

Something I have realised is that lessons are just that; they are lessons. I thank the universe for drawing those lessons that needed to be learned into my life, and then allowing them to leave my life once again at the point that I have learned and understood the lesson.

Perhaps I was undeserving of some of those lessons, as perhaps you are undeserving of some of the lessons that were sent to you. But it is never a helpful thing to focus on whether we were deserving or undeserving of negative experience, it simply holds us back from becoming the best version of ourselves.

Seeing these lessons as something that happened for us, and not to us helps us to release what needs to be released, and so helps us to move onwards and upwards to better experiences.

I don’t regret even one moment of any of the lessons I have gone through. Every single lesson has helped me to understand myself and my journey better. And I have great inner strength. Despite what has happened I have continued to show up and do my best every single day. Hopefully my words give you some inspiration to do the same.

I think perhaps I have lost the respect of certain people along the way, but I have come to terms with this, as this was always meant to be my journey. Because if I had failed to respect and put myself first during some important moments in my life, and instead aligned myself with the values and beliefs of others – then I would have failed to honour myself at my very core.

I am realising that people in our life are sometimes meant to come and go, that’s just the way it is.

I am also realising that I am destined to find my tribe – I am destined to find those who love me unconditionally, those who are willing to grow with me, and those who respect me for who I am as a person WITHOUT me having to change a thing.

True unconditional love is seeing a person for the beauty that they are, and then building them up.

It is never about thinking we know a person better than they know themselves. In thinking we know a person better than they know themselves, might we hold them back from becoming the best version of themselves?

And it is certainly not about trying to control the other person in any way.

An example of this is that I personally lean more towards pagan beliefs. I will not apologise to anyone for this. But Christianity is weaved through my family lineage, and so there seems to be this expectation that I am to be a Christian. And if I choose not to be Christian, then perhaps it is better if I don’t hold any type of belief?

There’s this sense that I am doing something wrong by taking this different path that I have chosen. But we all have the right to choose our own path, do we not? Does it make it inherently wrong that I have chosen a different path; one that’s right for me?

What Christianity bought me personally was a sense that I was to be controlled, when I see and feel more beauty and expanse in this world when I don’t feel I am being controlled. My true essence is that of equality, unconditional love, and growth.

I have come to realise that I am not here to give and give and give without expecting anything in return, and so I would encourage you to show your support – even if it’s just by putting a comment down below to say that this post was helpful.

In my old belief system, the gift of giving without expecting anything in return was encouraged in a huge way. And it is partially true, in that we should give without an expectation to receive, but we also need to be mindful that we are not being taken advantage of.

We are not here to fit within a belief system that somebody else holds and should never be expected to. If we freely choose a particular belief system because it’s what is right for us, then that’s a whole different matter.

And we must be mindful not to expect anything from another or try to take that which they have not offered. The gift of time and resources is a valuable one, and never to be taken for granted.

Numbing myself and trying to ‘pretend’ like I didn’t give a flying fruit tingle wasn’t the answer.

If we go too much into our logic, and don’t balance it with heart, then we will always push more towards coldness and numbness.

According to Human Design I have the Channel of Emoting, and I also make decisions through my emotions. I have always had this tendency to do things from a place of love. Basically it was suggested that the answer was not to care so much; but this really honestly screwed with my emotional balance. This likely wouldn't affect a person who doesn’t rely on their emotions as their lifeforce as much as I do.

I was actually going against my very being by trying to numb myself from it, and so my emotions would manifest in a different way – because they had to come out someway somehow.

If we completely reject caring, then what are we doing? We’re essentially pushing towards coldness and numbness and burying that which needs to be healed. We become unwilling to look at that which needs to be looked at.

As I look back over this I am realising that I had numbed myself to some deep-seated rejections from a couple of people from my past. These rejections had run so deep that they were difficult to see, as my subconscious tried to protect me from looking at them.

It took me 3 days after a recent rejection to feel any emotion again, despite the fact I have already done a lot of shadow work.

When a person you love takes their sweet time to respond when you express your hurt, it feels like a rejection and like they are bread crumbing you. Whether it was this person’s intention in my life I don’t know – but this is how I felt.

And these days I honour how I feel, as this is what provides me with emotional stability.

And so instead of offering my energy to what had become a stagnant situation, I chose to instead pull my energy away to properly heal. Unfortunately, this means no closure and so I need to find this myself.

Something I listened to yesterday morning thankfully softened my heart, and I became very emotional.

This is the first step to healing. It’s okay to cry, to cry is to release.

The problem is that much of society today teaches us it’s not a good thing to go deep and heal. We are taught to live by logic, not emotion. We navigate life trying to avoid what needs to be looked at, and we potentially hurt our loved ones in the process.

We have become a nation of worker-bees. And to become more productive we are encouraged to push our emotions aside and not give a flying fruit tingle.

Our core need that says we must work hard in order to thrive and survive is simply an illusion that creates a society of zombie like humans.

At the end of the day what is it that we are working for? Are we working for material wealth? Are we working for status? Are we working just to make ends meet?

I want to be able to work to help others. The jobs I most enjoyed were those where I helped people. But then comes the poverty mindset. Perhaps we link helping others, with struggling to make ends meet. But the truth is we can help more people if we have an abundance mindset, but only if we do it for the right reasons.

I am realising that I have a choice. I have always had a choice.

I either choose to keep pushing through and focus on what I feel deeply intuitively drawn to doing, which is to write and create – or I go back and try to make it work in the typical 9-5 job.

The 9-5 job has never actually worked for me, as people have this tendency to treat me like I am worth far less than I am actually worth. They pay me below what they are supposed to pay me, and suggest I am worth no more.

I am worth it. So are you. We are all enough.

We can help each other out in this sense. We have the power to let another know that they have made a difference in our lives today. Even just a small gesture can help another want to keep pushing through to make it work.

I am not going to lie, I have struggled through this, but I know without any doubt that this is the path I am supposed to be on and so I will keep going until it works.

Within myself I know that I have more strength than I have ever had. Whether people still respect me is neither here nor there. I have gotten to the point it doesn’t really matter. What truly matters is whether I respect my own choices and continue to love myself despite the words and actions of those around me.

Life sometimes hurts. But I won’t sacrifice my emotions for the sake of logic. I won’t sacrifice caring and push down my emotions. Doing so simply creates new problems. It creates an illusion that everything is okay, when actually it is not.

Were you coined a ‘highly-sensitive person’ like I was? If so, in what way did you react to societies pressures to not be so emotional?

Did you try not to care?

Or are you working to balance your emotions with logic; and your light with those dark aspects of yourself – with a view that you might find balance and stability within yourself. And working towards putting down that burden that says that caring equals the radical acceptance of others, even when they are abusive.

I have realised that caring can sometimes be from a distance. And sometimes caring equals releasing a person so that we are no longer enabling their toxic behaviours. As they might fail to learn and grow if we continue to enable these types of behaviours.

If they choose not to evolve and grow, that is a choice – but it doesn’t have to hold us back from becoming the best version of ourselves.

Live your life consciously today and make the decisions that are right for you.

If we fill our cup full to overflowing, think of the love that then becomes available to those around us. At this point are we living life from a place where we don’t care? No, quite the opposite. We have alchemised ourselves into this being that shines unconditional love outwards.

So I encourage you to reshape your thinking, and stop pushing down your pain and emotions. Stop trying NOT TO give a flying fruit tingle. Instead work through that which you need to work through, so you can live a more meaningful life.

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

This content is created by Rachel Reeves, who has always been a deep thinker. She previously played the supporting role in the lives of those around her, and very much held back on sharing this gift fully with other's. This is Rachel stepping very much out of her comfort zone, into what she now knows to be her inner calling, and sharing her thoughts with the world.


This video and article is intended to support self-growth, but the information provided is to be taken as personal opinion only. Feel free to take what resonates, but use your own inner-wisdom and guidance when doing so -- you know yourself much better than anybody else ever will. The information provided is to be in no way regarded as Medical, Legal, or Financial Advice. Please seek professional advice where needed. Thank you.

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