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Why Do We Try to Fix or “Tame” Others?

Updated: Feb 24, 2022

Have you noticed that humans try to fix or tame other humans? Why do we do this?

My observation is that we do this when we want to control the situation, elevate our status, or simply don’t have our own sugar together.

I’m sure you can probably work out what sugar means, but I am going to give you the background of where this originates from in my life. My grandma used to always use the word sugar instead of shit; something that I always found extremely amusing. I personally have no issue with swearing, but I know some people do – so I choose what I put out there. This offers me a fond and amusing memory of my beautiful grandma. It makes me smile every time I use it – so I’m going to use it in this article. Cause, why not?

Anyway, back to the topic…

We try to tame or fix others because we want to control the situation, due to fear of what might happen if we let go of control. Fear is the barrier to love. At the point that one gives energy to fear-based behaviours, there is a need to put on our armour in readiness to fight. This is a key reason we create armour within ourselves from a young age.

We might also try to tame or fix others because we want to elevate our status. But when we do so through ego, we end up indefinitely wearing a mask. To live life through ego we will likely subconsciously create competition with those around us in many different situations.

In a sense, life is a game – but one we have already lost if we choose to live it through ego. To live through ego means we put on a mask. To take it off is the point that we start to heal and let go of that idea that we must be something that we are not.

Photo by Alexas_Fotos on Unsplash

I am realising more and more every single day that self-love is the art of having enough respect for oneself that we aren’t influenced by the fear-based behaviours or opinions of another. I appreciate the statement “their issues, their tissues” which was offered by my truly amazing naturopath. I have realised over time that another person’s bull sugar is theirs to deal with, not mine.

We might also try to tame or fix another if we don’t have our own sugar together. We look outside of ourselves and try and figure out what we can control within our life. But the first mistake we made was trying to control the other person. The one and only person we can fix or tame or control is ourselves.

We can try to offer a material gift to buy one’s love. This can sometimes morph into one trying to tame another. We might create within the other person this thought that something is owed in return. But money or material items can start to mean nothing if that is the one thing that we feel we have to offer. Every single person on this earth has the power to create abundance and wealth on their own. When a person on the receiving end of money realises this to be true – it can help them to realign with their own authenticity and truth.

The greatest gift I think we can give to another is acceptance of who they are at their very core. At that point the love for them becomes unconditional.

The relationships I choose to nurture are those that celebrate who I am at my very core. I choose to offer this same acceptance in return. I have, however, learned to somewhat shield myself from those wearing a mask, as they expect that I might fit into some sort of box they have created for me. I consciously choose not to climb into that box that has been created, but I am truly grateful for the kind offer.

I have recently realised this strong confidence and independence within my own being. I need for nobody. I am no longer afraid of the vulnerability that comes with showing my true self to the world. I have realised that no matter what situation is thrown my way, I have the ability to again realign with the wholeness and acceptance within myself. That’s not to say that another person is not a welcome addition, but they must be accepting of my independence and confidence within self.

Photo by Emran Yousof on Unsplash

I have this tendency to sense what type of energy is coming towards me. I can feel danger within my soul as it approaches. I'm not sure that people realise this about me. When needed I will mirror something back to a person, but they don’t always see what they need to see – and sometimes they are blind to the fact that I can see right through their bull sugar. I have realised that sometimes silence is necessary; and that there is power within silence. I am generally quite open with how I speak. I think because of my openness people perhaps think they understand the depths of me, but I’m not sure that anybody will ever understand the depths of me.

I can so often see right through that bull sugar that people inevitably try to push onto me or send in my general direction. I am built for that. They say that practice makes perfect. I have had a lot of practice in dealing with bull sugar in my life, and so I have been perfecting the subtle art of not giving a sugar. I think people think this means one simply doesn’t care anymore. I care – but I make a conscious choice of what I put my focus on and channel my energy into.

Many have tried to tame and shame me. And perhaps there is more of this to come. I used to think I needed to be fixed or tamed in some way; and so I used to try and tame myself. I have since realised that is not necessary and is actually harmful to my soul. I am a lion. The passion within me will not be tamed.

I am independent. I am my truth. I am whole within myself and perfect just as I am.

So don’t try to tame me. I will not be tamed. You can instead be a welcome addition in my life if you so choose. You can come with me, or you can stay right where you are at. It really does not matter to me anymore.

This is not to say that I don’t care. I do, but I will not be held back by somebody else’s bull sugar.

Looking back, I can see that I was taught that if I showed my assertive or aggressive or competitive side then I would be punished energetically. This would happen through the other creating stagnant energy in the relationship, gaslighting me, or trying to dominate me in some sort of way – until such time as I showed my nurturing side again. I learned to become a people pleaser because of what I was taught. I was taught to turn the other cheek over and over and over again. I became very comfortable within my feminine (nurturing) energy. I adjusted to what other people needed and made myself small.

I have balanced out my chakras and have learned to shift and transmute energy. I ended up having to. If I did not, I would be in an absolute mess right now. I no longer need the armour within me, as I have learned to protect my energy using other methods. I have balanced out my light and dark; my masculine and feminine. I cannot go back to the old me. I have found my independence and cannot be tamed by another. My suggestion here is don’t even try.

That’s not to say I am not nurturing, and that I don’t compromise. That’s just to say that when we learn to respect ourselves enough, then we start to require the other person to meet us at our level – and show us the same respect.

We don’t make ourselves small. Instead, we start to expand our nurturing and loving aura outwards. The love and light that we surround ourselves with becomes our new protection. People start to feel that new energy. Some have trouble being in the presence of such light when their darkness has taken over. To constantly adjust to make another comfortable can actually end up keeping them in darkness. It can stop them from stepping into their light.

The truth is that every single one of us has the power to create the life we so desire. We all have within us the ability to balance out our ego and learn self-love. We have the ability to pull ourselves out of that darkness and walk towards stability, love and light. We all are beautiful at the point that we celebrate our inner essence and start to draw that to the surface. At that point we don’t feel that desire to tame and fix another; because all we can do is hold space for both ourselves and another as we all try to figure out our own bull sugar.

Photo by Eilis Garvey on Unsplash

This content is created by Rachel Reeves, who has always been a deep thinker. She previously played the supporting role in the lives of those around her, and very much held back on sharing this gift fully with other's. This is Rachel stepping very much out of her comfort zone, into what she now knows to be her inner calling, and sharing her thoughts with the world.


This video and article is intended to support self-growth, but the information provided is to be taken as personal opinion only. Feel free to take what resonates, but use your own inner-wisdom and guidance when doing so -- you know yourself much better than anybody else ever will. The information provided is to be in no way regarded as Medical, Legal, or Financial Advice. Please seek professional advice where needed. Thank you.

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